Better conflict resolution skills can improve your relationships
The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI), is one of the most widely used conflict management models. It identifies five conflict resolution styles: competing, avoiding, collaborating, accommodating, and compromising.
Each style can be useful in different situations. However, collaboration is often the healthiest approach. It focuses on finding solutions that meet both partners’ needs. A competing style can put strain on a relationship. It positions partners against each other and assumes only one person can win.
The Five Conflict Resolution Styles
The five conflict resolution styles described by the TKI are positioned along a spectrum of cooperativeness and assertiveness.
Cooperativeness refers to the extent to which a person tries to understand and satisfy their partner’s concerns. Assertiveness, meanwhile, refers to the extent to which a person seeks to satisfy their own concerns.
A style that leans too far in either direction can become unhealthy. People who focus only on their own needs may leave their partner feeling ignored or unfulfilled. For example, people who are too assertive and make no effort at all to satisfy their partner’s concerns can end up making that partner feel uncared for and, ultimately, unfulfilled in the relationship. But people who are too cooperative and refuse to assert themselves at all can end up creating a similar relationship dynamic, where one partner always gets their needs met and the other never does.
- Competing: This style approaches the conflict as if it’s a battle of wills where one person will win, and one will lose.The focus shifts away from solving the problem. Instead, each person tries to get their own way. Eventually, this can erode the very foundation of the relationship as partners increasingly view each other as competitors battling for control over the relationship.
- Avoiding: This style tries to pretend the conflict doesn’t exist. People often avoid conflict because they fear it could damage the relationship. But it’s not a long-term solution because you can’t solve a problem if you refuse to confront it. This, too, can erode the relationship as the unresolved problem puts strain on it and becomes harder to ignore.
- Collaborating: A collaborating couple treats conflicts as an “us versus the problem” situation. Instead of competing against each other, they work together to find a solution that benefits both partners. This approach often leads to better outcomes. However, it requires patience, empathy, and effort from both partners.
- Accommodating: One partner chooses to neglect their own needs or concerns for the sake of keeping the peace. For relatively small issues, like where to go for dinner, that might be fine. But for bigger issues, it’s not a long-term solution because it only “solves” the problem for the partner whose needs were accommodated. The one doing the accommodating will still feel like the issue isn’t resolved.
- Compromising: A compromise is a middle ground between two opposing sides. It still places partners on opposite sides of the issue. However, they negotiate a solution both can accept. Rather than win-win, it’s more often a draw where each side is left only partially satisfied. Some issues do not have a true win-win solution. In these situations, compromise can be a practical alternative. But when couples rely too much on compromise, both partners can end up feeling like they’re sacrificing too much for the sake of the relationship.
Common Types of Conflict in Relationships
Building a life together naturally involves challenges. Couples often encounter differences in expectations, finances, household responsibilities, and future goals.
- Financial disagreements. Couples may disagree about balancing future savings with current lifestyle expenses.
- Parenting disagreements. Differing views on discipline, nutrition, education, and division of parenting labour can all be tough conflicts to navigate.
- Division of household labour. People might have different standards of cleanliness that are hard to combine. In other cases, one person might end up carrying more weight than the other.
- Intimacy. This refers to sex as well as other kinds of emotional and physical intimacy like cuddling, spending quality time together, and expressing your love and appreciation for each other. While it’s natural for intimacy to fluctuate over the course of a relationship, conflict can arise when one or both of you start to feel less loved than they used to at other points in the relationship.
Facing conflict in a relationship is not a sign of failure, but how you navigate that conflict can have serious consequences for the health of your relationship.
How to Improve Your Conflict Resolutions Skills
Conflicts are difficult, so don’t beat yourself up if you aren’t great at resolving them.
Follow these tips to improve your conflict resolution skills:
Let Go of Past Conflicts
- Forgive each other and start with a fresh slate. If your conflict resolution styles were unhealthy in the past, it’s easy to go into future conflicts expecting the same unhealthy dynamic to emerge. That expectation can become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you lean on old defensive habits that trigger your partner to fall back into their own old habits. So, you both need to agree to forgive the past hurt and be patient and forgiving with each other as you work on developing a healthier conflict resolution style.
Practise Active Listening
- Listen and repeat. Don’t interrupt each other when you’re talking. In addition to letting the other person finish speaking, start your response by recapping what they said to confirm that you understood them.
Focus on Solutions, Not Winning
- Hold back judgment. If you feel the other person’s concerns are overblown or unimportant, keep it to yourself. Both of you need to be able to talk openly about your thoughts and feelings without worrying that they’ll just be dismissed.
- Treat it like a brainstorming session, not an argument. Each of you will throw out solutions that the other person doesn’t like. Instead of judging it, focus on addressing the elements of the plan that don’t work and suggesting alternatives.
- Brainstorm with empathy. Instead of focusing only on your needs, focus on ways to incorporate your partner’s concerns into the solution you’re proposing. Even if those concerns aren’t as important to you, you can still look for ways to tweak your original idea to address them. Your partner should do the same.
How to develop empathy in your relationships
When Different Conflict Styles Can Still Work
Can a Relationship Work If You Have Different Conflict Resolution Styles?
You don’t need to have matching styles to maintain a healthy relationship. However, it’s still important to find balance in how you resolve conflicts. For example, a relationship can become one-sided when one partner competes while the other consistently accommodates. In this situation, one person’s needs may be prioritised over the other’s.
It’s important to find balance in how you resolve conflicts.
Whether you’re dealing with ongoing arguments, communication breakdowns, or relationship stress, counselling can help you develop more effective ways to navigate conflict.
Reach out to Echelon Therapy and Counselling to explore how relationship counselling can help you build a healthier and more connected relationship.
